I’m not sure when it happened but at some point I couldn’t spend hours and hours (or days or weeks) without seeing or talking to anyone. However, I still don’t know if I’d say I’m overly different now to when I was younger, if you invited me to a party with a big crowd of people I’d probably be wishing I could go home and be by myself (or drink a lot of Vodka and get into the spirit of the party) except when I got home I wouldn’t want to be by myself. I don’t think I need to be actively interacting with someone just knowing that they were there if I wanted to.
This weekend Jarrod has gone down to Melbourne for Ruxcon and I’m home alone. I think the alone-ness is amplified by the fact that our house is so big (for 2 people anyway – or as is the case right now, 1 person) and tends to make a lot of noise. Just earlier I heard what sounded like our gate opening but I felt better not knowing if someone had come in rather than going to check and being confronted with some creepy machete wielding weirdo (because obviously that is who would be there).
So, every time that Jarrod goes away for a few days and I know I’m going to be home by myself I try to prepare. This usually includes making sure I have enough food and don’t need to go out for anything, unless I want to. Last year, I’d returned from Melbourne just before Ruxcon weekend and had no food, it was gloomy outside, the silence of the house rang in my ears and I wished for nothing but to be back in the crowds of Melbourne’s streets. It was very hard for me to get up and go to the shops and be a responsible adult when all I wanted to do was anything else.
Needless to say, some of the time my best plans fail. I don’t even know why but without someone around to stop it, the silence gets into my head and infects my thoughts and it takes a lot of effort to start thinking rationally again. This year I was concerned about what mental torture I’d have in store for myself as I’d had a pretty emotionally terrible week where a lot of things didn’t go as I’d planned and I had an overall feeling of worthlessness that I couldn’t shake for days.
So far though, I have survived and am in a better state of mind than previously. I had made a few specific plans before the day came so if I got bored or sad or annoyed or whatever I could say to myself “it’s ok, you have planned x and you’ve been looking forward to it”, plus having a few vodka and raspberry’s was on the plan, so you know.. I have to do that! I’ve also been watching videos or TV and had music on to help drown out the mystery sounds the house makes – otherwise I’d be getting up and investigating every sound – and that seems to have helped.
Maybe I am improving and remembering that I am ok with being by myself and I can be a functioning human being if left to my own devices. Maybe.